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The Story of Ingrid and Clemmentine
The Story of Ingrid and Clemmentine.
Chapter One:
In the back of a car we are driving and talking about altoids and California. One day we will travel to California, leaving our families and past lives behind in a trail of smoke and destruction. This book will be epic and full of lessons about what to do and what not to do. It will also help us fund our peace bus. You see, ever since Ingrid and Clemmentine were mere children they have always wanted to travel the world in hopes of becoming Peace Prophets. Ingrid talks about clementines, the fruit not the person, and the conversation turns to kumquats, and it all fits together because her hair smells like fruity shampoo. The one-eyed hawk flips a u-ie because we suddenly realize that we are going to the incorrect House of God. We are not going to pray, but we are still going for a spiritual experience of sorts, or at least we tell ourselves that to justify it and make it seem acceptable. Who says it isn't though? The law and society and who fucking cares, there is no society and no law in the Land of Ingrid and Clemm. Especially when we go to California.
Chapter Two:
Ingrid and Clemm are sitting on the basement couch watching a movie about a raping kangaroo in a movie called Kangaroo Jack and eating bowls full of cookies and cream ice cream. The acting is terrible and there was this part in which the characters discuss male genitalia in an airplane bathroom. EPIPHANY: there can be a new Mile High Club involving drugs rather than sex. Ok. Earlier, Clemm could not find the way to Ingrid's house, due to the fact that she's only ever been there either in the middle of the night or under the influence. CONNECTION: our parents think we are bad influences on each other because we hang out under the influence. It is two different cases of the word... and yet it is the same case. And could you be considered, with the flu, to be under the influence of influenza? Sort of like you can be a chicken about the chicken pox or have a headache over a headache. Stage one temporary blindness is what the black guy said in the movie because he shot the captain in the neck with a tranquilizer gun and is naming off all the stages as they happen. One time I was on a stage cause I had to dance and sing and I fell and slipped and I got a bruise but then I was ok cause it was just a practice so no one knows what happened because no one was there to see me fall. The black guy has a dog named Waffles and it reminded me of when i was feeding my dog waffles. Clemm is ranting on about this guy whose hunting the most dangerous game, man... manatee haha. The black guy just said his brain was frying... drug reference? Clemm is extremely excited to go to Rainbow and get Chinese food, even though she just ate from a Chinese buffett where they had fried rat on a stick. There was just a realization that this movie is akin to an acid trip, due to the fact that all the Bad Actor's friends just turned into kangaroos and one started rapping and then EPIPHANY: he thought the blond was a mirage so he grabbed her boobs, which is step one to raping, so there was basically raping and rapping in the same scene. The guy with the beard told the bad guys where the Bad Actor went and now they are after him. Clemm asked Ingrid if that hurt the camel and Ingrid said yes. Then Clemm burst out with laughter and the black guy has a picnic of ants in his pants. Whenever the dingo shows up he has a theme song. One day I will have a theme song becuase I will program the song into peoples' heads. The Bad Actor and the girl just made out half naked in a pool and then the black guy ran into the river and jumped in between them. Ingrid's brother turned the computer off and is now awkwardly staring at the television and Ingrid would like him to leave because he is making her get nervous. Clemm wonders if Brother Ingrid knows they are high. EPIPHANY: there is a black guy and raping in this movie, and there is the possibility that Clemm got raped by a black guy a few weeks back. That was a good night. They even had their own drinking party in the back of Mama Rafiki's SUV, and a cartwheel was attempted and now there is a scar as a reminder. The theme music is playing, except now its jazzy and fast paced because its an exciting part. One of the bad guys just said he hates this country like a sickness, which probably would make sense if he was in a country run by a tyrannical dictator during a Black Plague, but is not really appropriate way to describe the current situation of shooting at a theiving ghetto roo out of a jeep.
Chapter Three:
EPIPHANY: Everyone just sits around and wastes their lives saving up money to do what they want to do with their life and they only have enough money to do those things when they are too old to do them so they spend the money on their health, but Clemm and Ingrid will not have any money and they will travel around making their own money and they will be living the modern day American dream. Hello little boys little toys... the Champ was just in the car and he is not a little boy at all because he is actually very tall. Clemm pumped her head repeatedly out of the sun roof pretending to be a screeching ostrich. The Champ just shook his head disapprovingly and walked inside. Ingrid and Clemm headed to the gas station so that Clemm could purchase one of her ritualistic one dollar 52-ounce Icees. They were out of both cherry and blue, which was bullshit, and she had to get Mountain Dew. While standing in line, she noticed that the young man standing in front of her wore a black tee shirt that bore the message, "nipples and tits, nipples and tits" in large letters, with a little chiuaua underneath accompanied by the words "gotta get my nipples and tits. cabo." Although as a woman she felt rather disrespected, Clemm could not help but laugh. Once in the car her and Ingrid had a nice little chortle about it, and then Ingrid laughed more because Clemm's icee was so monstrous. The car ride was very fun. They listened to techno and discussed how they will listen to it on ex and be really really happy. EPIPHANY: if ex makes everyone so happy, why is it not legal? I'm pretty sure that the people who outlawed it have never done it. Because no one in their right mind is going to roll and then say no one can do it.
Chapter Four:
In Ingrid's car we are sitting and listening to music and talking about bowls. All of the sudden it goes quiet and we listen to the Thundergod interupt the silence. GUEST APPEARANCE (from the Thundergod): At some point Clemm and i will score a wee bit a smack. I cant type on this leetle fooking keyboard. END GUEST APPEARANCE. You burped acid bubbles in school said Lieutenant Gibbs. The children laugh like its some sort of children's story about bears who eat raspberry custard and scones. We're passing money and exchanging pills even though we were hot boxing and were all already really high, but its never really enough for these suburbian soldiers. They march on and on through the drudgery of the day fighting some faceless bearaucratic enemy. They enemy does not care about us. It does not care about us. It does not care about us and what we do yet yet we make these mutinous statements about how we do our own thing and the enemy can suck it. We dont know if it makes sense or even matters, we dont even know if anyones listening and we keep repeatting marching, fighting so that we can feel important and meaningful. What is it like having a penis? Most guys are scared to show boners in the hallways at school but fuck them i like having boners said Lieutenant Gibbs. Ingrid was given a small little white pill, she suspects she shall inject it. Later, after Ingie and the Thundergod have made their way home to safety, Clemm sits shadily in the back of a car with Lt. Gibbs and the Stickler. They are in a parking lot behind the Brugger's. Clemm does not wish to sit there any longer, she has been high for hours and hours and is restless and wants to go look at lights and people and not this weird bush that looks like dreads, so she suggests to get up get up do something. The stickler says nothing because she is passive, annoyingly passive, especially with weed involved. Lt. Gibbs strokes her checkered tights. Captain Ernest Hemmingway calls and they have a brief conversation about being high. And then there is some mumbled statement and the seats are going up and they are rubbing their eyes and there is a police car there, and Clemm is thinking Oh No, but she is so mellow and her brain is just a bubble, she is thinking Oh Well. The cop is plump, not pleasantly plump like a round berry but lumpily plump like a spoonful of yogurt, and he has a thin evil little moustache, and he says what are you doing and who are you etc. etc. and they hand their IDs over and Lt. Gibbs admit he drank a long time ago. Stupid stupid stupid thinks Clemm, I would not admit to such a thing. In a breif moment of silence Lt. Gibbs tells Clemm she should seduce the cop. Clemm does not have an ID and she is 16 and her mother's name is **** ******* and are we doing anything wrong? because I don't think we're doing anything wrong. And she is so sure she says it politely but sure enough the cop is telling her not to sass off. And before you know it she finds herself in the back of a cop car, and the second she sits down and he closes the door she is laughing and doesn't know why. She knows she is invincible and it doesn't matter. The cops let the Stickler and Lt. GIbbs go and they drive away, they drive away with Clemm's beloved purple i-pod and cigarettes, and now Clemm is waiting for her parents to come pick her up but she doesn't care because her brain is a bubble. The cop reads her text messages and she is fairly certain he is not allowed to do that. A couple minutes later she does not hate the Lumpily Plump Cop because they are having a conversation about bombs. They have become friends. Her dad pulls up in his shiny red car and the cop says, she has been very cooperative, he likes her now. She didn't even have to seduce him. Clemm is so glad she's high. She makes up this awesome story to her dad, it makes so much sense and is all fine and innocent, and when they get home she tells her mother, and her parents are not even mad really and they take her phone away and see that there are no incriminating text messages and it is all so ok, and Clemm drinks 52 ounces of chilly water and takes a hot shower and goes to sleep like nothing unusual just happened, and she is so glad she's high, and being high solves everything.
Chapter Five:
On Sunday Little Brother Clemm was arrested because he set a fire to some cattails with his friends, except the fire got out of control and enormous and they had to call the fire department, and it was just like what happened to Clemm being arrested and all, except her parents yelled at her and took her phone away and grounded her, and to her 14 year old brother they thought it was CUTE, fucking cute, and they laughed and rolled their eyes and it was bull shit, if that had been Clemm they would have been testing her for drugs and this and that. Fucking Little Brother Clemm gets away with some mad shit. This morning Clemm got up extra early. At 6:02, she usually gets up at 6:36 but 6:02 felt right this morning. She was in such an odd mood. Her mother called down to her, "you're up?" and she replied "Africa!" as if they were naming continents and it was funny. Then she was too impatient to wait for her bagel to fully toast so she went to the toaster to retrieve it, and just as she was about to grab it it popped up by itself, and she cried "Speak of the devil!" out loud as if anyone was around to hear it. She knew it was going to be a good day because of these things, and also she was wearing her 7-inch yellow wedges. When she got to school she found out she didn't have to do the MCA test which meant she had to do online class for like 3 hours, which fucking sucked because her computer kept freezing. And also she cannot concentrate on computers because there's so much she wants to do. The school day wasn't so bad. She smoked like 4 cigarettes on the grassy knoll out back and chilled in the sun. And only once was she like Shit son this is so fake, I'm so fake pretending I'm this good recovered child in this nice sober school, but in reality I am making plans to drug it up later. Usually she has these thoughts several times a day since there are so many funny story she wants to tell her "friends" but they all begin with, "me and my friends were high..." and then she catches herself right before she opens her mouth and has no funny story to tell. She doesn't talk much at her school. She is in constant fear that she is somehow going to let it slip that she still does drugs, kind of a lot. Its not so much that she is afraid of hurting everyone's feelings, but she just can't get kicked out and have her parents find out she is using and get sent back to treatment. Clemm lives a double life, like James Bond trapped in a teenage girl's head, she is an angel and a devil, good and bad, apples and oranges, and she just realized how hard this is, she's always tired and her brain is always alert trying to keep up these two personas and making sure she does the right thing whenever. It is all so terribly exhausting and time-consuming and ridiculous. If she had her way she would just go to a regular school and keep doing whatever and not worry about her peers finding out. But her parents are tyrannts, they are ass holes and douche bags and terrible, and they somehow have come to the conclusion that if she goes to this precious Sober School she will not do drugs ever again, and it is such bull shit because she maybe even does them more than she ever did before. The kids from school invite her to do things after class, let's go to the mall, come to my house, and Clemm makes up these excuses of why she can't but secretly she would way way way rather go get high. Speaking of, expect some EPIPHANIES soon, for Ingrid and Clemm are going off on a drugging adventure in a few hours. Listen children to a story that was written long ago about a young child named Ingrid. Ingrid was all by her lonesome with nothing to do because she had told her mother that she was babysitting until 11:30 even though she was finished at 9:00 she just thought she could use the extra time to visit friends. All of the sudden while ingrid was contemplating what her next move was she recieved a text from the champ. Some time passed and soon ingrid had arrived at the champs place of residence and it was rather dark outside so she could not really see. The champ came out of his domain and entered ingird's car. The two talked about simple little things and eventually they were really high. Since ingrid is only 17 she asked the champ to purchase some cigs for her. After smoking two of them ingrid realized she had to pee so very badly. She asked the champ if his bathroom could be of any use to solve her problem. The champ then led ingrid into his house, a place ingrid has not been to for a while but it always gives her a sense of comfort when she walks in the door. The champ opened the nearest door and noticed that his dog was sitting inside the bathroom. He was getting the dog out of the bathroom when he realized that the dog had gone to the bathroom in the bathroom. Too bad the dog was not potty trained because then it would have gone to the bathroom in the toilet and we would not be in this situation. EPIPHANY: if all animals were potty trained then we could just have toilets everywhere and everyone could use them and it would be kind of funny to watch a giraffe try to go to the bathroom in a toilet. Meanwhile, seeing what had gone on in the bathroom, the Champ quickly closed the door, locking the dog in he bathroom with its own feces. Ingrid felt bad for the dog but the though quickly escaped her head as the Champ led her up the stairs to a second bathroom. This time, the room seemed to be dogless. Ingrid went into the bathroom and peed for literally five minutes and did not realize she had to go that bad. As soon as she left the bathroom, the Champ told Ingrid goodbye and Ingrid felt sad because she had hopes of chatting with the Champ a little more before her departure. But the Champ insisted that she leave. Maybe it was due to the fact that she peed for an irregular amount of time. QUESTION: what is the longest amount of time someone has peed for? I bet it is a long time. I will wikipedia it later. But then if the Champ knew how long it was maybe he would feel like a fool for kicking Ingrid out of his house after peeing for five minutes.
Chapter Six:
Ten minutes to return Lt. Gibb's long board, says Mama Ingrid, so Ingrid and Clemm dash off in a blaze of techno to the back of the Brugger's. Clemm says No Behind! because she had that bad experience of getting arrested by the Lumpily Plump cop. We arrive at our destination to find Lt. Gibbs and some chubby Asian man sitting in their car. We pull up and Ingrid is so entranced by the music that she hits the curb with her car and it makes a loud startling noise. Lt. Gibbs high-fives Clemm and she is not sure why, and then they have a brief discussion about the events of the one night. The chubby Asian man stands awkwardly with a weird grin on his large face. Ingrid suggests that he was undressing Clemm with his eyes. EPIPHANY: what if eyes had little hands that could come out and undress people. Good thing they don't. After returning the board, Lt. Gibbs spends the next 45 seconds trying to grab the end of Ingrid's car for a free ride, but fails miserably. They listen to ghetto tunes extra loud on the way home and arrive back safely.
Chapter Seven:
The night was young when Ingrid was finished with her softball practice and on her way to pick up Clemm. When Ingrid arrived at the house of Clemm she went up to Clemm's room and waited patiently for Clemm to take a shower. While Clemm was in the shower Ingrid played numerous games on Clemm's DS. Ingrid's most favorite of them all was a game in which you had to make cakes for people who were ordering them. After Clemm was done with her shower the girls headed over to Ingrid's house. Once they arrived, they went up to Ingrid's bedroom to change and get ready for a rave at Ingrid's school. It took a short amount of time until they were out the door headed to retrive Mama Rafiki. After picking up Mama Rafiki they were on their way to rescue Captin Ernest from the graps of the Indian in the Cupboard. They met at a gas station called get n' go. Ingrid parked her car and Captin Ernest jumped out and ran to the saftey of Ingrid's car. Now you see, Mama Rafiki and Clemm and Ingrid had already smoked and were high. Captin Ernest had to be home so Ingird dropped her off. Next, the children drove around trying to find weed. They ended up buying from Talpidae in the parking lot of Rainbow. Mama Rafiki and Clemm and Ingrid all smoked more and became even higher. Then Captin Ernest called saying that she could make it to the rave so Ingrid went and picked her up. Once we arrived at the rave Mama Rafiki and Captin Ernest and Clemm had all injested ex. Ingrid did not because she did not have any. Mama Rafiki entered the rave and made it through okay. Then everyone became to scared and we did not go in because they had puppils the size of icebergs in the middle of winter and they would have had to sneak in Clemm. The children did not want to risk it. The Stickler decided she did not want to be at the rave anymore so she came out to Ingird's car and was being extremely annoying. Finally, after contemplating what to do the Stickler decided she wanted to go to her car. So Ingird had to drive her all the way to her car. Once at her car Captin Ernest and the Stickler left. Ingrid and Clemm went to Dairy Queen and got a shake and an ice cream. While at DQ there was a girl from Clemm's sober school working there. This girl might have recognized that ingrid and clemm were under the influence of drugs. This was a very bad time for Clemm because she did not want someone from her sober school to know that she still was under the influence. Clemm and Ingrid then proceeded to Ingrid's car to finish their ice cream and shake. Velocer Raptor, then called. Velocer Raptor is the man that clemm has secretly been having sex with but now she does not like him. But he met us at DQ with two of his friends and they all drove around and smoked more. After dropping Velocer Raptor and his friends off, Ingrid and Clemm met up with the One-Eyed Hawk and his friend who looked like that guy in malcom in the middle, Frankie i think his name is. After chatting with the two Ingrid and Clemm decided to go meet Mama Rafiki and her crew at McDonalds. Once they got there Mama Rafiki was freaking the fuck out. In the end she just decided to go back with her gang and leave clemm and ingird and the one-eyed hawk and frankie. Then the Stickler called with Captin Ernest and wanted to meet us so then they came to Micky D's and told Ingrid and Clemm to follow them. But then they were distracted as a flying beach ball hit the windshield of Ingrid's car. The one-eyed hawk threw the beach ball back at the opposing car that threw it at us. Then, one of the members from the opposing car jumped out with the beach ball, ran over to Ingrid's car and slammed the ball on the floor. Then returned to retrieve the ball. This was war. A war over a ball in the mcdonald's parking a lot. It was a war that Ingrid and Clemm will eventually win. The beach ball was then punted by the opposing team member back to his car. Clemm got out of the car ran to get the ball then dashed back yelling out, "i hate squirls!" once she arrived back into Ingrid's car they drove around back and did a drive by launching the ball at the opposing car. They did it. They had one the war. The team did a victory lap around the parking lot (in reality Ingrid could not find her way out of the parking lot so she had to drive around in a circle). After leaving mcdonalds they headed back to the cub parking lot where Frankie's car was parked. The said their goodbyes and the one-eyed hawk and frankie drove away into the darkness of the night. In a state of panic the girls did not know what to do. The Stickler called and said she was going to a party but Clemm and Ingrid where not invited because "there was already to many people". The Stickler called Captin Ernest by her code name, which upset Ingrid and Clemm because the Stickler was not a part of the night when they were all asigned nicknames. Some vicious texts where sent via Clemm's phone to the Stickler, resulting in the Stickler calling Clemm and Ingrid to see if they were mad at her. Eventually Ingrid and Clemm made it back to Ingrid's and went to the basement to eat, sleep, and watch movies. Ingrid fell asleep during the middle of treasure island. Clemm is still sleeping and Ingrid is typing away on brother ingrid's computer, trying to type softly as not to wake up Clemm. The two of them have big plans for the day, for they are going to the zoo!
Chapter 8:
The zoo was as fun as any old day would be at the zoo. There were animals galore. Ingrid and Clemm arrived at the zoo a little earlier than expected and walked around looking at the plethora of plants that resided in the conservatwar. There was even a sloth hanging from one of the trees. Soon the two met up with Shaniqua, who happens to be ingrid's cousin, to have have a picnic in the park. The picnic included all sorts of stories about all sorts of things. Shaniqua had to leave due to her job. After she left Ingrid and Clemm waled around more and looked at the animals. There was a seal who was showing off how well he swam, a monkey that closley resembled Clemm, a zebra with a really big penis, and giraffes licking the walls. It was a day to remember.
Chapter 9:
Ingrid had told her father that she would be going to the homeless sleepout at school on friday night. She only told him this so she could have the night off to do whatever she pleased. A day after she told him this she found out that she was cat sitting on friday night. This was the perfect oppurtunity to host a party. Ingrid and Clemm quickly got to work planning the event. They bought beads to hand out, all sorts of pop, and even licorice. The night of the partay Clemm escaped from her house telling her mother she was going to a sleepover with friends from her sober school. Ingrid and Clemm then drove to mama rafiki's house. Mother Clemm then called Clemm and Mama Rafiki had to pretend she was one of Clemm's friends from her sober school. The girls then went to party america to get supplies and then they went to pick up Cap'n Ernest. Once all the girls were together they went to DQ to met up with the thundergod and others to buy opium. Then they headed to the cat sitting house to have a party. Soon after they got there they started smoking hookah and drinking. Mama rafiki did ex and a few spoon fulls of robotussin. Then people started arriving. There were so many people that you could barley move. Some of the people that were there included the champ, the one eyed hawk, capt'n Ernest, the stickler mama rafiki lt. Gibbs, shaniqua thundergod, the agile monkey, vermillion mink, whalesworth, the hamburglar, the lollipop kid, the indian in the cupboard, and even Jesus was there. Clemm and the Stickler and Cap'n Ernest were soon all passed out and Ingrid was left to deal with the horrors of strangers the rest of the night. Ingrid cannot recall what happened the rest of the night, most likely due to drugs. But she does remember waiting for Shaniqua to arrive back at the party. When Shaniqua arrived they did shots with the champ and his friend. Ingrid was soon really drunk. But people kept throwing up so she had to stay awake and clean up all the mess. She did not retire to bed until five in the morning. But every ten minuets she was woken up by the Champ's friend's phone because he had set an alarm on it and Ingrid could not find out how to take the alarm off. She awoke at seven and took a look around at the mess. There was throw up, stains, condoms, broken vases, broken tables, broken doors, ashes, beer cans, and the garage was so smoking she could not see what was in it. Ingrid got to work right away. The stickler helped clean up when she woke up in the morning. Then as people started waking they started helping and soon it was almost clean. Clemm and the Stickler and Cap'n Ernest and this guy that Cap'n Ernest had sex with all left. Then mama rafiki and ingrid and the champ and shaniqua and the champ's friends were left. The champ decided to make eggs for shaniqua. Then the champ and his friend left and so did shaniqua. The house was almost clean but ingrid was worried that one of the cats had escaped. But she would worry about that later. Then mama rafiki and ingrid drove away. They talked about how the party could not have gotten busted because there was so much people there. Ingrid then returned to the house later to clean up more. Right before she left she remembered she left something in one of the bedrooms she went down there and luckily she found a bucket of throw up. She then threw it away. The house was as clean as she could make it. Ingrid hopes that the people that live there do not notice they have a broken table and door and that their vase is missing and that everything is in the wrong place and that one of their cats might be missing. One can only hope that they do not notice.
Here is the Epic Party from Clemm's point of view: There were lots of beads and people and a ton of vodka, and the Clemm drank a half of a bottle, and then Clemm had intercourse with the Lollipop Kid, and at some point in the night everyone smoked her opium, but mostly she remembers the Epic Party as this: ______ (nothing). Her memories past 10:00 pm are as black as midnight. Perhaps she should stop drinking. The next day she had to cancel her job interview because she was hungover, but also she had a really bad cold. She and the Lollipop Kid texted and she felt bad because she did not remember their intercourse, but apparently it was lovely. Damn that was a good party. And here is an update: The cat people did indeed find out, and did not pay Ingrid, and her parents now think she had sex with the Champ, but Clemm will leave that story for Ingrid to tell.
Chapter Ten:
Since the Epic Party, Clemm has really done nothing but sleep, as she is so very sick. Swine flu was suspected for a period of time, but that theory was debunked by the doctor, as well as mono. But it has not been a bad week really, she has slept and watched a lot of TV, however she was much disappointed by the fact that she could not go to the Wednesday night Twins game with Ingrid and Shaniqua, or the play and Mama Rafiki's house on Friday. Today she recieved perhaps the nicest gesture in the world when Ingrid showed up at her house with a care package. It was so sweet she almost wanted to cry and cannot remember the last time she felt so loved. It was filled with chicken noodle soup (like in the can, not spilled everywhere) and candy and incense and a bear. Also today, on the way to the doctor, Clemm witnessed a Mysterious Ageless Black Woman passed out on her front lawn. Her and Mother Clemm rushed to her aid and she had a really weird face, it was small and disproportionate, and she wouldn't talk and it took a long time to get her to sit up. Also it was impossible to tell her age, she honestly could've been 14 or 40, and it is rare that you meet people like that so Clemm was rather intrigued. Mother Clemm knocked on the door of the house, which was dark green and some of the windows were boarded up, and another mysterious black woman emerged, presumably the Ageless one's mother. And instead of being all concerned that her daughter was passed out on the front lawn, the mom said in a hushed, firm, accented voice, "I TOOOOLD you not to be out here!" and then to us she was like "She ain't supposed to be out here," and she like dragged the girl inside and shut the door. It was an extremely strange experience, and Clemm cannot shake it from her head. There is definitely something fishy going on there. And according to the Stickler the house used to be occupied by an elderly couple, of which the woman had Alzheimer's, and then a black man moved in to take care of them, but the elderly couple has not been seen for years. So here is Clemm's theory: the elderly couple died, or were murdered (but she is only saying that to add spice to the story), and now the family is not supposed to be living there because they didn't tell anyone the old couple died and just occupy the house. Further investigation on this matter will definitely be required, perhaps in the form of a disguised cookie sale.
Chapter Eleven:
Mother Ingrid is yelling at Ingrid because her car smells of smoke. Ingrid tells her mother that it smells like smoke because Ingrid burns incense in her car. Then mother Ingrid accuses Ingrid of using the incense to cover up the smell of smoke. Ingrid then goes on a rant about how her mother accuses her of everything. But what else is new? Parents accusing their children of outrages things (that do happen to be true) but what proof does mother Ingrid have to accuse Ingrid of smoking. Mother Ingrid smoked when she was Ingrid's age. Mother Ingrid had also done numerous drugs, included crack. If mother Ingrid allowed herself to do drugs she should allow Ingrid to do drugs. Speaking of drugs, whalesworth promised Ingrid lsd. Ingrid and Clemm were excited to take on this endeavour of a new drug they have never tried. Whalesworth said he would text Ingrid so he could collect the money to purchase the drug. Then Whalesworth never texted Inrgid, but then apologized in the morning exclaiming that he bought weed instead. Ingrid understands that when you need drugs you need them so she forgives whalesworth for buying weed instead of acid. Ingrid has contracted a cold and has spent the entire day upstairs in her bed reading harry potter. harry potter is a magical book. Ingrid is just taking a break from the book to spread the recent stories that have occured so far this weekend. Ingrid's father accused Ingrid of having a huge party at the house of the cats. Ingrid denied everything and said she was just hanging out with the champ there. (She said the champ because ingrid new the house smelled of tobacco smoke and Father Ingrid knew that the champ smoked ciggs) Then Father Ingrid asked what they were doing at the house of the cats and Ingrid responded with "we were watching breakfast at tiffany's" Father Ingrid bought this but then continued to ask why the bed was all messed up. Ingrid then stormed out of the house yelling at Father Ingrid for accusing her of having intercourse. When Ingrid arrived back at Mother Ingrid's, Mother Ingrid gave Ingrid the sex talk and told Ingrid that she would be buying her the pill. Ingrid did not have sex and the conversation with Mother Ingrid was oh so very awkward. And that my children, is an update on the life of Ingrid.
Chapter Twelve:
Ingrid and Clemm have been very busy ladies and have not had the chance to update the blog in weeks. Some recent updates from the life of Ingrid include: her father finding her weed, her father finding her cigs, her father finding her bowl, her father sneaking onto her facebook to read her messages, and her father hiding in the bushes to watch as Capt'n Ernest came to pick up a book. After all of these events Ing decided to avoid her father. The attempt worked until her father came into her room one night and said "we have to talk" he told her about how he found her illegal pocessions but he did not ground her or anything, which was very surprising to ingrid. EPIPHANY: maybe father ingrid has realized that he has done all he can to protect Ingrid from the outside world and has realized there is nothing left he can do and that he should just let her be and figure the rest out on her own. Ingrid hopes that this is the case. Well yesterday was an interesting night. Ingrid, clemm, capt'n ernest, mama rafiki, gunpowder pearl, and hoofstock went on a night on the town to celebrate clemm's seventh birthday. They all met at clemm's house then took ingrid's car to chino latino. When they arrived they ate and talked and took pictures. After driving there ingrid was tired from driving and let mama rafiki drive who then crashed ingrid's car into a poll. but do not fret there was hardly any damage. Then hoofstock took the wheel and drove the girls to sebastion joe's where they got ice cream. After they got ice cream they took lots of pictures of the roof of the parking ramp where ingrid's car had been parked. Once they got in the car capt'n ernest started to drive towards their home. They listened to music such as the final countdown, respect, and aint' no mountain high enough. Mama rafiki and clemm sang like they were in a deaf children's choir. Then clemm said they should start a retarded choir and call it down sopranoes, like down syndrom. Next, they dropped capt'n ernest off at her house and continued to drop mama rafiki off at her car. Ingrid was torn between going camping with laquisha or going to a party with hoofstock and clemm. In the end, she decided to go camping. When Ingrid arrived at the camp site she realized that laquisha was the only other girl there and that she was with her boyfriend and seven other guys. Ingrid was pleased because all of the guys were very good looking. One of them had a messed up face and ingrid thought he had herpes when she first saw him but then laquisha explained that he was skateboarding and fell off and landed on a curb and that is why he had scars all over his face. ingrid then realized the truth and thought the scars made him look badass. Ingrid had to be home by midnight so she left the campground around eleven forty five. She arrived home smelling like smoke a little past her curfew and mother ingrid asked why she smelt of smoke, iingrid quickly shot back with the reply of "laquisha was smoking" and mother ingrid relaxed and told ingrid to get some sleep, which is what ingrid then continued to do.
Chapter One:
In the back of a car we are driving and talking about altoids and California. One day we will travel to California, leaving our families and past lives behind in a trail of smoke and destruction. This book will be epic and full of lessons about what to do and what not to do. It will also help us fund our peace bus. You see, ever since Ingrid and Clemmentine were mere children they have always wanted to travel the world in hopes of becoming Peace Prophets. Ingrid talks about clementines, the fruit not the person, and the conversation turns to kumquats, and it all fits together because her hair smells like fruity shampoo. The one-eyed hawk flips a u-ie because we suddenly realize that we are going to the incorrect House of God. We are not going to pray, but we are still going for a spiritual experience of sorts, or at least we tell ourselves that to justify it and make it seem acceptable. Who says it isn't though? The law and society and who fucking cares, there is no society and no law in the Land of Ingrid and Clemm. Especially when we go to California.
Chapter Two:
Ingrid and Clemm are sitting on the basement couch watching a movie about a raping kangaroo in a movie called Kangaroo Jack and eating bowls full of cookies and cream ice cream. The acting is terrible and there was this part in which the characters discuss male genitalia in an airplane bathroom. EPIPHANY: there can be a new Mile High Club involving drugs rather than sex. Ok. Earlier, Clemm could not find the way to Ingrid's house, due to the fact that she's only ever been there either in the middle of the night or under the influence. CONNECTION: our parents think we are bad influences on each other because we hang out under the influence. It is two different cases of the word... and yet it is the same case. And could you be considered, with the flu, to be under the influence of influenza? Sort of like you can be a chicken about the chicken pox or have a headache over a headache. Stage one temporary blindness is what the black guy said in the movie because he shot the captain in the neck with a tranquilizer gun and is naming off all the stages as they happen. One time I was on a stage cause I had to dance and sing and I fell and slipped and I got a bruise but then I was ok cause it was just a practice so no one knows what happened because no one was there to see me fall. The black guy has a dog named Waffles and it reminded me of when i was feeding my dog waffles. Clemm is ranting on about this guy whose hunting the most dangerous game, man... manatee haha. The black guy just said his brain was frying... drug reference? Clemm is extremely excited to go to Rainbow and get Chinese food, even though she just ate from a Chinese buffett where they had fried rat on a stick. There was just a realization that this movie is akin to an acid trip, due to the fact that all the Bad Actor's friends just turned into kangaroos and one started rapping and then EPIPHANY: he thought the blond was a mirage so he grabbed her boobs, which is step one to raping, so there was basically raping and rapping in the same scene. The guy with the beard told the bad guys where the Bad Actor went and now they are after him. Clemm asked Ingrid if that hurt the camel and Ingrid said yes. Then Clemm burst out with laughter and the black guy has a picnic of ants in his pants. Whenever the dingo shows up he has a theme song. One day I will have a theme song becuase I will program the song into peoples' heads. The Bad Actor and the girl just made out half naked in a pool and then the black guy ran into the river and jumped in between them. Ingrid's brother turned the computer off and is now awkwardly staring at the television and Ingrid would like him to leave because he is making her get nervous. Clemm wonders if Brother Ingrid knows they are high. EPIPHANY: there is a black guy and raping in this movie, and there is the possibility that Clemm got raped by a black guy a few weeks back. That was a good night. They even had their own drinking party in the back of Mama Rafiki's SUV, and a cartwheel was attempted and now there is a scar as a reminder. The theme music is playing, except now its jazzy and fast paced because its an exciting part. One of the bad guys just said he hates this country like a sickness, which probably would make sense if he was in a country run by a tyrannical dictator during a Black Plague, but is not really appropriate way to describe the current situation of shooting at a theiving ghetto roo out of a jeep.
Chapter Three:
EPIPHANY: Everyone just sits around and wastes their lives saving up money to do what they want to do with their life and they only have enough money to do those things when they are too old to do them so they spend the money on their health, but Clemm and Ingrid will not have any money and they will travel around making their own money and they will be living the modern day American dream. Hello little boys little toys... the Champ was just in the car and he is not a little boy at all because he is actually very tall. Clemm pumped her head repeatedly out of the sun roof pretending to be a screeching ostrich. The Champ just shook his head disapprovingly and walked inside. Ingrid and Clemm headed to the gas station so that Clemm could purchase one of her ritualistic one dollar 52-ounce Icees. They were out of both cherry and blue, which was bullshit, and she had to get Mountain Dew. While standing in line, she noticed that the young man standing in front of her wore a black tee shirt that bore the message, "nipples and tits, nipples and tits" in large letters, with a little chiuaua underneath accompanied by the words "gotta get my nipples and tits. cabo." Although as a woman she felt rather disrespected, Clemm could not help but laugh. Once in the car her and Ingrid had a nice little chortle about it, and then Ingrid laughed more because Clemm's icee was so monstrous. The car ride was very fun. They listened to techno and discussed how they will listen to it on ex and be really really happy. EPIPHANY: if ex makes everyone so happy, why is it not legal? I'm pretty sure that the people who outlawed it have never done it. Because no one in their right mind is going to roll and then say no one can do it.
Chapter Four:
In Ingrid's car we are sitting and listening to music and talking about bowls. All of the sudden it goes quiet and we listen to the Thundergod interupt the silence. GUEST APPEARANCE (from the Thundergod): At some point Clemm and i will score a wee bit a smack. I cant type on this leetle fooking keyboard. END GUEST APPEARANCE. You burped acid bubbles in school said Lieutenant Gibbs. The children laugh like its some sort of children's story about bears who eat raspberry custard and scones. We're passing money and exchanging pills even though we were hot boxing and were all already really high, but its never really enough for these suburbian soldiers. They march on and on through the drudgery of the day fighting some faceless bearaucratic enemy. They enemy does not care about us. It does not care about us. It does not care about us and what we do yet yet we make these mutinous statements about how we do our own thing and the enemy can suck it. We dont know if it makes sense or even matters, we dont even know if anyones listening and we keep repeatting marching, fighting so that we can feel important and meaningful. What is it like having a penis? Most guys are scared to show boners in the hallways at school but fuck them i like having boners said Lieutenant Gibbs. Ingrid was given a small little white pill, she suspects she shall inject it. Later, after Ingie and the Thundergod have made their way home to safety, Clemm sits shadily in the back of a car with Lt. Gibbs and the Stickler. They are in a parking lot behind the Brugger's. Clemm does not wish to sit there any longer, she has been high for hours and hours and is restless and wants to go look at lights and people and not this weird bush that looks like dreads, so she suggests to get up get up do something. The stickler says nothing because she is passive, annoyingly passive, especially with weed involved. Lt. Gibbs strokes her checkered tights. Captain Ernest Hemmingway calls and they have a brief conversation about being high. And then there is some mumbled statement and the seats are going up and they are rubbing their eyes and there is a police car there, and Clemm is thinking Oh No, but she is so mellow and her brain is just a bubble, she is thinking Oh Well. The cop is plump, not pleasantly plump like a round berry but lumpily plump like a spoonful of yogurt, and he has a thin evil little moustache, and he says what are you doing and who are you etc. etc. and they hand their IDs over and Lt. Gibbs admit he drank a long time ago. Stupid stupid stupid thinks Clemm, I would not admit to such a thing. In a breif moment of silence Lt. Gibbs tells Clemm she should seduce the cop. Clemm does not have an ID and she is 16 and her mother's name is **** ******* and are we doing anything wrong? because I don't think we're doing anything wrong. And she is so sure she says it politely but sure enough the cop is telling her not to sass off. And before you know it she finds herself in the back of a cop car, and the second she sits down and he closes the door she is laughing and doesn't know why. She knows she is invincible and it doesn't matter. The cops let the Stickler and Lt. GIbbs go and they drive away, they drive away with Clemm's beloved purple i-pod and cigarettes, and now Clemm is waiting for her parents to come pick her up but she doesn't care because her brain is a bubble. The cop reads her text messages and she is fairly certain he is not allowed to do that. A couple minutes later she does not hate the Lumpily Plump Cop because they are having a conversation about bombs. They have become friends. Her dad pulls up in his shiny red car and the cop says, she has been very cooperative, he likes her now. She didn't even have to seduce him. Clemm is so glad she's high. She makes up this awesome story to her dad, it makes so much sense and is all fine and innocent, and when they get home she tells her mother, and her parents are not even mad really and they take her phone away and see that there are no incriminating text messages and it is all so ok, and Clemm drinks 52 ounces of chilly water and takes a hot shower and goes to sleep like nothing unusual just happened, and she is so glad she's high, and being high solves everything.
Chapter Five:
On Sunday Little Brother Clemm was arrested because he set a fire to some cattails with his friends, except the fire got out of control and enormous and they had to call the fire department, and it was just like what happened to Clemm being arrested and all, except her parents yelled at her and took her phone away and grounded her, and to her 14 year old brother they thought it was CUTE, fucking cute, and they laughed and rolled their eyes and it was bull shit, if that had been Clemm they would have been testing her for drugs and this and that. Fucking Little Brother Clemm gets away with some mad shit. This morning Clemm got up extra early. At 6:02, she usually gets up at 6:36 but 6:02 felt right this morning. She was in such an odd mood. Her mother called down to her, "you're up?" and she replied "Africa!" as if they were naming continents and it was funny. Then she was too impatient to wait for her bagel to fully toast so she went to the toaster to retrieve it, and just as she was about to grab it it popped up by itself, and she cried "Speak of the devil!" out loud as if anyone was around to hear it. She knew it was going to be a good day because of these things, and also she was wearing her 7-inch yellow wedges. When she got to school she found out she didn't have to do the MCA test which meant she had to do online class for like 3 hours, which fucking sucked because her computer kept freezing. And also she cannot concentrate on computers because there's so much she wants to do. The school day wasn't so bad. She smoked like 4 cigarettes on the grassy knoll out back and chilled in the sun. And only once was she like Shit son this is so fake, I'm so fake pretending I'm this good recovered child in this nice sober school, but in reality I am making plans to drug it up later. Usually she has these thoughts several times a day since there are so many funny story she wants to tell her "friends" but they all begin with, "me and my friends were high..." and then she catches herself right before she opens her mouth and has no funny story to tell. She doesn't talk much at her school. She is in constant fear that she is somehow going to let it slip that she still does drugs, kind of a lot. Its not so much that she is afraid of hurting everyone's feelings, but she just can't get kicked out and have her parents find out she is using and get sent back to treatment. Clemm lives a double life, like James Bond trapped in a teenage girl's head, she is an angel and a devil, good and bad, apples and oranges, and she just realized how hard this is, she's always tired and her brain is always alert trying to keep up these two personas and making sure she does the right thing whenever. It is all so terribly exhausting and time-consuming and ridiculous. If she had her way she would just go to a regular school and keep doing whatever and not worry about her peers finding out. But her parents are tyrannts, they are ass holes and douche bags and terrible, and they somehow have come to the conclusion that if she goes to this precious Sober School she will not do drugs ever again, and it is such bull shit because she maybe even does them more than she ever did before. The kids from school invite her to do things after class, let's go to the mall, come to my house, and Clemm makes up these excuses of why she can't but secretly she would way way way rather go get high. Speaking of, expect some EPIPHANIES soon, for Ingrid and Clemm are going off on a drugging adventure in a few hours. Listen children to a story that was written long ago about a young child named Ingrid. Ingrid was all by her lonesome with nothing to do because she had told her mother that she was babysitting until 11:30 even though she was finished at 9:00 she just thought she could use the extra time to visit friends. All of the sudden while ingrid was contemplating what her next move was she recieved a text from the champ. Some time passed and soon ingrid had arrived at the champs place of residence and it was rather dark outside so she could not really see. The champ came out of his domain and entered ingird's car. The two talked about simple little things and eventually they were really high. Since ingrid is only 17 she asked the champ to purchase some cigs for her. After smoking two of them ingrid realized she had to pee so very badly. She asked the champ if his bathroom could be of any use to solve her problem. The champ then led ingrid into his house, a place ingrid has not been to for a while but it always gives her a sense of comfort when she walks in the door. The champ opened the nearest door and noticed that his dog was sitting inside the bathroom. He was getting the dog out of the bathroom when he realized that the dog had gone to the bathroom in the bathroom. Too bad the dog was not potty trained because then it would have gone to the bathroom in the toilet and we would not be in this situation. EPIPHANY: if all animals were potty trained then we could just have toilets everywhere and everyone could use them and it would be kind of funny to watch a giraffe try to go to the bathroom in a toilet. Meanwhile, seeing what had gone on in the bathroom, the Champ quickly closed the door, locking the dog in he bathroom with its own feces. Ingrid felt bad for the dog but the though quickly escaped her head as the Champ led her up the stairs to a second bathroom. This time, the room seemed to be dogless. Ingrid went into the bathroom and peed for literally five minutes and did not realize she had to go that bad. As soon as she left the bathroom, the Champ told Ingrid goodbye and Ingrid felt sad because she had hopes of chatting with the Champ a little more before her departure. But the Champ insisted that she leave. Maybe it was due to the fact that she peed for an irregular amount of time. QUESTION: what is the longest amount of time someone has peed for? I bet it is a long time. I will wikipedia it later. But then if the Champ knew how long it was maybe he would feel like a fool for kicking Ingrid out of his house after peeing for five minutes.
Chapter Six:
Ten minutes to return Lt. Gibb's long board, says Mama Ingrid, so Ingrid and Clemm dash off in a blaze of techno to the back of the Brugger's. Clemm says No Behind! because she had that bad experience of getting arrested by the Lumpily Plump cop. We arrive at our destination to find Lt. Gibbs and some chubby Asian man sitting in their car. We pull up and Ingrid is so entranced by the music that she hits the curb with her car and it makes a loud startling noise. Lt. Gibbs high-fives Clemm and she is not sure why, and then they have a brief discussion about the events of the one night. The chubby Asian man stands awkwardly with a weird grin on his large face. Ingrid suggests that he was undressing Clemm with his eyes. EPIPHANY: what if eyes had little hands that could come out and undress people. Good thing they don't. After returning the board, Lt. Gibbs spends the next 45 seconds trying to grab the end of Ingrid's car for a free ride, but fails miserably. They listen to ghetto tunes extra loud on the way home and arrive back safely.
Chapter Seven:
The night was young when Ingrid was finished with her softball practice and on her way to pick up Clemm. When Ingrid arrived at the house of Clemm she went up to Clemm's room and waited patiently for Clemm to take a shower. While Clemm was in the shower Ingrid played numerous games on Clemm's DS. Ingrid's most favorite of them all was a game in which you had to make cakes for people who were ordering them. After Clemm was done with her shower the girls headed over to Ingrid's house. Once they arrived, they went up to Ingrid's bedroom to change and get ready for a rave at Ingrid's school. It took a short amount of time until they were out the door headed to retrive Mama Rafiki. After picking up Mama Rafiki they were on their way to rescue Captin Ernest from the graps of the Indian in the Cupboard. They met at a gas station called get n' go. Ingrid parked her car and Captin Ernest jumped out and ran to the saftey of Ingrid's car. Now you see, Mama Rafiki and Clemm and Ingrid had already smoked and were high. Captin Ernest had to be home so Ingird dropped her off. Next, the children drove around trying to find weed. They ended up buying from Talpidae in the parking lot of Rainbow. Mama Rafiki and Clemm and Ingrid all smoked more and became even higher. Then Captin Ernest called saying that she could make it to the rave so Ingrid went and picked her up. Once we arrived at the rave Mama Rafiki and Captin Ernest and Clemm had all injested ex. Ingrid did not because she did not have any. Mama Rafiki entered the rave and made it through okay. Then everyone became to scared and we did not go in because they had puppils the size of icebergs in the middle of winter and they would have had to sneak in Clemm. The children did not want to risk it. The Stickler decided she did not want to be at the rave anymore so she came out to Ingird's car and was being extremely annoying. Finally, after contemplating what to do the Stickler decided she wanted to go to her car. So Ingird had to drive her all the way to her car. Once at her car Captin Ernest and the Stickler left. Ingrid and Clemm went to Dairy Queen and got a shake and an ice cream. While at DQ there was a girl from Clemm's sober school working there. This girl might have recognized that ingrid and clemm were under the influence of drugs. This was a very bad time for Clemm because she did not want someone from her sober school to know that she still was under the influence. Clemm and Ingrid then proceeded to Ingrid's car to finish their ice cream and shake. Velocer Raptor, then called. Velocer Raptor is the man that clemm has secretly been having sex with but now she does not like him. But he met us at DQ with two of his friends and they all drove around and smoked more. After dropping Velocer Raptor and his friends off, Ingrid and Clemm met up with the One-Eyed Hawk and his friend who looked like that guy in malcom in the middle, Frankie i think his name is. After chatting with the two Ingrid and Clemm decided to go meet Mama Rafiki and her crew at McDonalds. Once they got there Mama Rafiki was freaking the fuck out. In the end she just decided to go back with her gang and leave clemm and ingird and the one-eyed hawk and frankie. Then the Stickler called with Captin Ernest and wanted to meet us so then they came to Micky D's and told Ingrid and Clemm to follow them. But then they were distracted as a flying beach ball hit the windshield of Ingrid's car. The one-eyed hawk threw the beach ball back at the opposing car that threw it at us. Then, one of the members from the opposing car jumped out with the beach ball, ran over to Ingrid's car and slammed the ball on the floor. Then returned to retrieve the ball. This was war. A war over a ball in the mcdonald's parking a lot. It was a war that Ingrid and Clemm will eventually win. The beach ball was then punted by the opposing team member back to his car. Clemm got out of the car ran to get the ball then dashed back yelling out, "i hate squirls!" once she arrived back into Ingrid's car they drove around back and did a drive by launching the ball at the opposing car. They did it. They had one the war. The team did a victory lap around the parking lot (in reality Ingrid could not find her way out of the parking lot so she had to drive around in a circle). After leaving mcdonalds they headed back to the cub parking lot where Frankie's car was parked. The said their goodbyes and the one-eyed hawk and frankie drove away into the darkness of the night. In a state of panic the girls did not know what to do. The Stickler called and said she was going to a party but Clemm and Ingrid where not invited because "there was already to many people". The Stickler called Captin Ernest by her code name, which upset Ingrid and Clemm because the Stickler was not a part of the night when they were all asigned nicknames. Some vicious texts where sent via Clemm's phone to the Stickler, resulting in the Stickler calling Clemm and Ingrid to see if they were mad at her. Eventually Ingrid and Clemm made it back to Ingrid's and went to the basement to eat, sleep, and watch movies. Ingrid fell asleep during the middle of treasure island. Clemm is still sleeping and Ingrid is typing away on brother ingrid's computer, trying to type softly as not to wake up Clemm. The two of them have big plans for the day, for they are going to the zoo!
Chapter 8:
The zoo was as fun as any old day would be at the zoo. There were animals galore. Ingrid and Clemm arrived at the zoo a little earlier than expected and walked around looking at the plethora of plants that resided in the conservatwar. There was even a sloth hanging from one of the trees. Soon the two met up with Shaniqua, who happens to be ingrid's cousin, to have have a picnic in the park. The picnic included all sorts of stories about all sorts of things. Shaniqua had to leave due to her job. After she left Ingrid and Clemm waled around more and looked at the animals. There was a seal who was showing off how well he swam, a monkey that closley resembled Clemm, a zebra with a really big penis, and giraffes licking the walls. It was a day to remember.
Chapter 9:
Ingrid had told her father that she would be going to the homeless sleepout at school on friday night. She only told him this so she could have the night off to do whatever she pleased. A day after she told him this she found out that she was cat sitting on friday night. This was the perfect oppurtunity to host a party. Ingrid and Clemm quickly got to work planning the event. They bought beads to hand out, all sorts of pop, and even licorice. The night of the partay Clemm escaped from her house telling her mother she was going to a sleepover with friends from her sober school. Ingrid and Clemm then drove to mama rafiki's house. Mother Clemm then called Clemm and Mama Rafiki had to pretend she was one of Clemm's friends from her sober school. The girls then went to party america to get supplies and then they went to pick up Cap'n Ernest. Once all the girls were together they went to DQ to met up with the thundergod and others to buy opium. Then they headed to the cat sitting house to have a party. Soon after they got there they started smoking hookah and drinking. Mama rafiki did ex and a few spoon fulls of robotussin. Then people started arriving. There were so many people that you could barley move. Some of the people that were there included the champ, the one eyed hawk, capt'n Ernest, the stickler mama rafiki lt. Gibbs, shaniqua thundergod, the agile monkey, vermillion mink, whalesworth, the hamburglar, the lollipop kid, the indian in the cupboard, and even Jesus was there. Clemm and the Stickler and Cap'n Ernest were soon all passed out and Ingrid was left to deal with the horrors of strangers the rest of the night. Ingrid cannot recall what happened the rest of the night, most likely due to drugs. But she does remember waiting for Shaniqua to arrive back at the party. When Shaniqua arrived they did shots with the champ and his friend. Ingrid was soon really drunk. But people kept throwing up so she had to stay awake and clean up all the mess. She did not retire to bed until five in the morning. But every ten minuets she was woken up by the Champ's friend's phone because he had set an alarm on it and Ingrid could not find out how to take the alarm off. She awoke at seven and took a look around at the mess. There was throw up, stains, condoms, broken vases, broken tables, broken doors, ashes, beer cans, and the garage was so smoking she could not see what was in it. Ingrid got to work right away. The stickler helped clean up when she woke up in the morning. Then as people started waking they started helping and soon it was almost clean. Clemm and the Stickler and Cap'n Ernest and this guy that Cap'n Ernest had sex with all left. Then mama rafiki and ingrid and the champ and shaniqua and the champ's friends were left. The champ decided to make eggs for shaniqua. Then the champ and his friend left and so did shaniqua. The house was almost clean but ingrid was worried that one of the cats had escaped. But she would worry about that later. Then mama rafiki and ingrid drove away. They talked about how the party could not have gotten busted because there was so much people there. Ingrid then returned to the house later to clean up more. Right before she left she remembered she left something in one of the bedrooms she went down there and luckily she found a bucket of throw up. She then threw it away. The house was as clean as she could make it. Ingrid hopes that the people that live there do not notice they have a broken table and door and that their vase is missing and that everything is in the wrong place and that one of their cats might be missing. One can only hope that they do not notice.
Here is the Epic Party from Clemm's point of view: There were lots of beads and people and a ton of vodka, and the Clemm drank a half of a bottle, and then Clemm had intercourse with the Lollipop Kid, and at some point in the night everyone smoked her opium, but mostly she remembers the Epic Party as this: ______ (nothing). Her memories past 10:00 pm are as black as midnight. Perhaps she should stop drinking. The next day she had to cancel her job interview because she was hungover, but also she had a really bad cold. She and the Lollipop Kid texted and she felt bad because she did not remember their intercourse, but apparently it was lovely. Damn that was a good party. And here is an update: The cat people did indeed find out, and did not pay Ingrid, and her parents now think she had sex with the Champ, but Clemm will leave that story for Ingrid to tell.
Chapter Ten:
Since the Epic Party, Clemm has really done nothing but sleep, as she is so very sick. Swine flu was suspected for a period of time, but that theory was debunked by the doctor, as well as mono. But it has not been a bad week really, she has slept and watched a lot of TV, however she was much disappointed by the fact that she could not go to the Wednesday night Twins game with Ingrid and Shaniqua, or the play and Mama Rafiki's house on Friday. Today she recieved perhaps the nicest gesture in the world when Ingrid showed up at her house with a care package. It was so sweet she almost wanted to cry and cannot remember the last time she felt so loved. It was filled with chicken noodle soup (like in the can, not spilled everywhere) and candy and incense and a bear. Also today, on the way to the doctor, Clemm witnessed a Mysterious Ageless Black Woman passed out on her front lawn. Her and Mother Clemm rushed to her aid and she had a really weird face, it was small and disproportionate, and she wouldn't talk and it took a long time to get her to sit up. Also it was impossible to tell her age, she honestly could've been 14 or 40, and it is rare that you meet people like that so Clemm was rather intrigued. Mother Clemm knocked on the door of the house, which was dark green and some of the windows were boarded up, and another mysterious black woman emerged, presumably the Ageless one's mother. And instead of being all concerned that her daughter was passed out on the front lawn, the mom said in a hushed, firm, accented voice, "I TOOOOLD you not to be out here!" and then to us she was like "She ain't supposed to be out here," and she like dragged the girl inside and shut the door. It was an extremely strange experience, and Clemm cannot shake it from her head. There is definitely something fishy going on there. And according to the Stickler the house used to be occupied by an elderly couple, of which the woman had Alzheimer's, and then a black man moved in to take care of them, but the elderly couple has not been seen for years. So here is Clemm's theory: the elderly couple died, or were murdered (but she is only saying that to add spice to the story), and now the family is not supposed to be living there because they didn't tell anyone the old couple died and just occupy the house. Further investigation on this matter will definitely be required, perhaps in the form of a disguised cookie sale.
Chapter Eleven:
Mother Ingrid is yelling at Ingrid because her car smells of smoke. Ingrid tells her mother that it smells like smoke because Ingrid burns incense in her car. Then mother Ingrid accuses Ingrid of using the incense to cover up the smell of smoke. Ingrid then goes on a rant about how her mother accuses her of everything. But what else is new? Parents accusing their children of outrages things (that do happen to be true) but what proof does mother Ingrid have to accuse Ingrid of smoking. Mother Ingrid smoked when she was Ingrid's age. Mother Ingrid had also done numerous drugs, included crack. If mother Ingrid allowed herself to do drugs she should allow Ingrid to do drugs. Speaking of drugs, whalesworth promised Ingrid lsd. Ingrid and Clemm were excited to take on this endeavour of a new drug they have never tried. Whalesworth said he would text Ingrid so he could collect the money to purchase the drug. Then Whalesworth never texted Inrgid, but then apologized in the morning exclaiming that he bought weed instead. Ingrid understands that when you need drugs you need them so she forgives whalesworth for buying weed instead of acid. Ingrid has contracted a cold and has spent the entire day upstairs in her bed reading harry potter. harry potter is a magical book. Ingrid is just taking a break from the book to spread the recent stories that have occured so far this weekend. Ingrid's father accused Ingrid of having a huge party at the house of the cats. Ingrid denied everything and said she was just hanging out with the champ there. (She said the champ because ingrid new the house smelled of tobacco smoke and Father Ingrid knew that the champ smoked ciggs) Then Father Ingrid asked what they were doing at the house of the cats and Ingrid responded with "we were watching breakfast at tiffany's" Father Ingrid bought this but then continued to ask why the bed was all messed up. Ingrid then stormed out of the house yelling at Father Ingrid for accusing her of having intercourse. When Ingrid arrived back at Mother Ingrid's, Mother Ingrid gave Ingrid the sex talk and told Ingrid that she would be buying her the pill. Ingrid did not have sex and the conversation with Mother Ingrid was oh so very awkward. And that my children, is an update on the life of Ingrid.
Chapter Twelve:
Ingrid and Clemm have been very busy ladies and have not had the chance to update the blog in weeks. Some recent updates from the life of Ingrid include: her father finding her weed, her father finding her cigs, her father finding her bowl, her father sneaking onto her facebook to read her messages, and her father hiding in the bushes to watch as Capt'n Ernest came to pick up a book. After all of these events Ing decided to avoid her father. The attempt worked until her father came into her room one night and said "we have to talk" he told her about how he found her illegal pocessions but he did not ground her or anything, which was very surprising to ingrid. EPIPHANY: maybe father ingrid has realized that he has done all he can to protect Ingrid from the outside world and has realized there is nothing left he can do and that he should just let her be and figure the rest out on her own. Ingrid hopes that this is the case. Well yesterday was an interesting night. Ingrid, clemm, capt'n ernest, mama rafiki, gunpowder pearl, and hoofstock went on a night on the town to celebrate clemm's seventh birthday. They all met at clemm's house then took ingrid's car to chino latino. When they arrived they ate and talked and took pictures. After driving there ingrid was tired from driving and let mama rafiki drive who then crashed ingrid's car into a poll. but do not fret there was hardly any damage. Then hoofstock took the wheel and drove the girls to sebastion joe's where they got ice cream. After they got ice cream they took lots of pictures of the roof of the parking ramp where ingrid's car had been parked. Once they got in the car capt'n ernest started to drive towards their home. They listened to music such as the final countdown, respect, and aint' no mountain high enough. Mama rafiki and clemm sang like they were in a deaf children's choir. Then clemm said they should start a retarded choir and call it down sopranoes, like down syndrom. Next, they dropped capt'n ernest off at her house and continued to drop mama rafiki off at her car. Ingrid was torn between going camping with laquisha or going to a party with hoofstock and clemm. In the end, she decided to go camping. When Ingrid arrived at the camp site she realized that laquisha was the only other girl there and that she was with her boyfriend and seven other guys. Ingrid was pleased because all of the guys were very good looking. One of them had a messed up face and ingrid thought he had herpes when she first saw him but then laquisha explained that he was skateboarding and fell off and landed on a curb and that is why he had scars all over his face. ingrid then realized the truth and thought the scars made him look badass. Ingrid had to be home by midnight so she left the campground around eleven forty five. She arrived home smelling like smoke a little past her curfew and mother ingrid asked why she smelt of smoke, iingrid quickly shot back with the reply of "laquisha was smoking" and mother ingrid relaxed and told ingrid to get some sleep, which is what ingrid then continued to do.